massage, Massage Therapist, Confessions of a Massage Therapist, Confessions

CONFESSIONS OF A CELEBRITY MASSAGE THERAPIST

Words: KITTY BEAN YANCEY
Photo: Justin Pumfrey/Getty Images

She’s laid hands on countless stars and even seen a celeb’s glass eye fall out. Hair pulling. Biting. It’s all in her bag of therapeutic tricks.

At a very young age, I was walking on my parents’ backs. My parents were hippies, and we were always going to concerts. When my parents split up, they stopped giving me money for concerts. I had to figure out how to get in. At 13, I was taping ticket stubs together (for entry), then I started offering massages. When I was 14, my girlfriend and I skipped school, and her grandmother dropped us off where Def Leppard was doing their sound check. I said, “I can give you guys back massages.” So they got us on the tour bus to wait for passes, and these old British roadies were like, “Show us your (breasts).” There was no way I was going to get into the (rock) ritual of showing body parts. 

HANDS OF STEEL 

If you know me, you know you can’t get away with anything with me. My mother taught me to be strong. I also have hands of steel that would make a World Wrestling Entertainment wrestler cry. I ended up following Def Leppard on tour and it started to be word of mouth. There were no mobile phones; it was way before 9/11, and security was slack. I’d just say, “I’m here to massage the band.” Rock stars love something for free; celebrities love something for free. I went to thousands of gigs, and then I thought I should be getting paid. I got the name Dr. Dot when Frank Zappa called me that because I was fixing him and the band. “Get Dr. Dot over here,” he’d say.  

YEARS OF STRANGENESS

I’ve had almost 40 years of strangeness. Once a celebrity’s glass eye fell out through the hole (in the headrest). He put it in his mouth, washed it and put it back in. I massaged Kid Rock in the bathroom of a nightclub in my Birkenstocks and Dr. Dot T-shirt. I was waiting for him in his hotel, and he was late. I called and said, “You’re on the clock.” He said, “Can’t you just come to where I am?”

Courtney Love had me pick out her outfit for the show. Justin Bieber likes having his feet done for hours. He was generous and kind. Mick Jagger is really into fitness. He had his physiotherapist in the room telling me what (muscles) not to touch. 

“I have hands of steel that would make a World Wrestling Entertainment wrestler cry.”

BITE BACK 

My mother insisted I start biting her because (her back was tight) and my little hands weren’t strong enough. No, I don’t break the skin. I’ve never left any teeth marks. It’s like a mother cat carrying her babies in her mouth. It doesn’t hurt. You’re pulling the muscle and skin to relax the muscle and improve circulation.

I was in Germany and got a call from the Four Seasons Hotel in Berlin that a big star needed a massage. It was Bruce Willis, and he had his assistant interview massage therapists (first). I got up to his floor and there was a line of about 15 girls waiting. I said, “He’s going to see me now or I’m leaving.” I went in and didn’t come out. I massaged him for three hours. I said, “I want to tell you I have a technique I invented.” He said he was open to try anything. I bit his back and he said, “You’re hired.” I massaged him every day and he ended up flying me to Italy (where he was making a movie) and paid for everything. I was on call 24 hours a day. 

“Once a celebrity’s glass eye fell out through the hole.”

THIS NOT THAT

Do not talk, other than to tell the therapist if the pressure is too strong or not strong enough. You cannot relax if you do. Don’t wash your hair (beforehand), ‘cause it’s going to get mussed up with oil. Make sure your whole body is covered except for the area that’s being worked on. And (relieve sexual tension in private beforehand) if that’s going to be a problem. Nobody wants to see someone pitch a tent.

HAPPY ENDINGS

Weird stuff can happen to someone without a spine. You learn to look for red flags when you’re booking: “Do you do other things than massage?” “Do you do sensual massage?” I say, “If you want that, there are plenty of other companies that will do it.”  It’s not that easy to get me anymore, and I really don’t massage people I don’t know. That’s why I got the “Dot Bots.” I have about a thousand, from the UK, to Rio, to Helsinki. They do massages, also chiropractic work, acupuncture. A basic massage costs €120 (more if it’s at odd hours). 

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04 2016 The Red Bulletin

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