f1

Tell the truth 

Photo above: Getty Images 

What F1 drivers say vs. what they really mean. An interview with a replaceable driver 

Q: Congratulations. Your third win this season and the first of your career here in Ruritania. What does it mean to you?

What the drivers say…

It means everything to me. I’ve always loved racing in this country and the support here for me has always been incredible. I think people’s passion for F1 is growing and every year we come here, the crowd gets better. I’d like to thank everybody for coming out to watch the race; you guys are amazing! I didn’t see it but I think they saw a great race today and I’ll treasure the memory of this win and this trophy for a long tome to come.

What they really mean…

Beyond the 25 championship points I’ve just banked, it means nothing to me. I don’t even know where we are. Have we ever raced here before? We have? Six times! Wow! I’d say the support here is great but there are no supporters here apart from that guy over there and he’s reading the paper. Oh and that dog, the one pissing on my car. Still, I’m sure the fans at home saw a great race on TV, which is what this is all about. Oh and of course, it was great because I won.

 

Q. Well, it was an amazing race. From the outside it looked pretty controlled but I can tell that it was no picnic for you today?

What the drivers say… 

Yeah, it was a tough race. I didn’t get away cleanly at the start and obviously as a team we’ll be looking into what happened there. That allowed my team-mate to get alongside me. It was close but I was able to hold him off and stayed in the lead.

What they really mean…

Yeah, tough race. I didn’t get away cleanly. Obviously as a team we’ll be acceding to my demand to fire the guy who set the bite point. It allowed my team-mate to get alongside me. It was close, close enough that I was forced to attempt to put him in the wall but you know, rubbin’ is racin’.

F1

© Marcos Ferro/Red Bull Content Pool

Q. You were able to pull out a bit of a gap in the first stint but then your team-mate came back. How close was it?  

What the drivers say… 

It was fine. It’s true that I wasn’t totally comfortable on the prime across the weekend but I’ve always been pretty quick around this place no matter what, so I always felt like I had something in reserve.

What they really mean…

Bloody close. I was screaming on the radio “but I’m the number one, I AM THE NUMBER ONE, make him go away”. It took them at least two laps to look at my contract and the amount of money they’re paying to ask him to back off.

Q. Your car looked good throughout. Was it a pleasure to drive today?

What the drivers say… 

Absolutely, you know, my guys here have done a phenomenal job all weekend to give me the best car possible and I’d like to thank them for all their efforts. Of course we couldn’t do it without all the hard work that’s gone on back at the factory. The guys there have done an amazing job too. Our engine partners have been superb as well… and the tyres… fantastic. Well, the next race is next week so maybe just a small celebration with the team and then it’s straight back to work for the next one. 

What they really mean…

Absolutely. My guys, you know the one with the haircut and that guy with the funny tattoo of a horse and a nun, did some… err, stuff this weekend that, you know, seemed alright. Yes, I tore all four corners off the car with that little shunt on Friday afternoon but after working through the night they managed to get me out in time for FP3. And the guys at the factory, incredible. I have no idea who they are or where the factory is but I’m sure they all love me for bringing a little sunshine into their humdrum little lives. I’ll keep trying to do that in future. And, yeah, engines and tyres – they seemed to, you know, go round, so all good!

Q. You’re now second in the championship standings and just eight points behind the leader. What next?

What the drivers say… 

We’ve got to just keep pushing. We know our rivals won’t stand still and everyone will keep bringing updates to every race, so we need to make sure that we keep up the pace and get even better. I’ll be training hard for the next one and this win definitely shows that we are making progress.

What they really mean…

The team has got to keep pushing. There has to be a constant stream of updates from the factory all aimed at…. Well, serving my title bid really. For my part I’ll turn up at the weekends and act like a spoiled child for 96 hours. Seems like a fair trade.

Q. And, finally, celebrations tonight?

What the drivers say… 

Well, the next race is next week so maybe just a small celebration with the team and then it’s straight back to work for the next one. 

What they really mean…

Yep, I’ll be celebrating with my underwear model girl friend on my private jet raising a glass of Cristal to my hardworking guys and once again asking: ‘And your name is?’

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