Things footballers would never say

“I thought the ref had a great game today”

Photo: Getty Images 

There are certain things footballers would never say, and you definitely won’t find these in the football dictionary

Every team has one, from Premier League to Sunday League, the player who cannot stop talking, whether berating referees or shouting words of encouragement. But then there are some phrases you will just never hear on a football pitch.

Once we cross the white line, anything goes on a football field in the pursuit of three points.

Professional or amateur, we’ll say anything to sway the game in our favour, except this.

These are the expressions you’ll never hear uttered by a footballer:

“Yellow is okay, referee”

We’ve all got them on our team; the ‘innocent’ guy who complains about every challenge blown up by the ref or every yellow card he receives. There is one exception: when the offender knows he should have seen red. He’ll nod at the lesser punishment and (at least sometimes) keep his mouth shut. 

© YouTube // HansJürgen

“The derby is just like any other football game”

Twice a year for 90 minutes your friendship with your fellow local side is put on ice until shortly after the final whistle when you all meet up at the bar. Unless of course, you really hate each other. 

“I don’t mind warming-up for 35 minutes to get on in the 89th”

What player wants to sprint and stretch for almost a complete half then to be sent on just before the end? And all because the coach wants to take some time off the clock?

“Make mine an orange juice”

Post-match rehydration? Beer, it’s always beer. 

“The first thing I do when I get home is empty my sports bag”

Every footballer knows, when he’s exhausted from the game or training, all he wants to do is pan out on the couch and throw his bag in the corner (or better yet leave it in the car). We all know, once there, it’s not moving until the next match day. 

“These training bibs are washed and always smell so good”

When you’re splitting into teams at training, no one wants to be the side landed with the bibs. Do those things ever see the inside of a washing machine? 

“When the manager has his back turned, I train just as hard” 

The coach can’t watch you all the time. Everyone has eagle eyes at training. The experts recognise their opportunity and take advantage to ease off the gas. Well, it is only training.

“It’s totally cool that you took a shot and missed when I am completely free”

Call them glory-hunters, greedy, selfish. We’ve all got one of those players who only has eyes for goal, even if he needs a new pair of shooting boots. 

“I was the last to touch it so it’s your ball” 

The ball goes out over the line and 22 players stretch their arms in the air claiming: “Our ball”. There’s usually one who knows very well that it’s come off his boot. But good guys finish last. Then again, there is a little thing called fair play. 

“Tomorrow is an important game. Tonight I will not go to the nightclub, but to bed early.

There’s an old rule in amateur football: it’s not the next match that’s the most important, it’s the next party. There’s not a game goes by where at least one of the team wasn’t showing his skills on the dancefloor the night before instead of the pitch.

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05 2016 The Red Bulletin

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