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Delete Your Account: These Movie Franchises Need to End Immediately

Words: Jason Wolf
Photo: Flickr/BagoGames

Seven long-running movie franchises that have been completely sapped of their relevance.

Remember when the new Underworld trailer debuted and audiences had their poor, little minds fried with excitement? Yeah, exactly, nobody remembers that because our eyes were too glazed over with jadedness to really care about a new Underworld trailer. Largely because Underworld is one of a bunch of long-running movie franchises that have been completely sapped of their relevance. And it’s thanks to studios endlessly shelling out more movies because just enough moviegoers are complicit in watching them to justify one more chapter in the series.

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But they’re only doing the originals and source material an injustice by turning previously killer films into rudderless franchises. It’s time to recognize some franchises’ best years are behind them and put them out to pasture. Here are seven franchises that need to end immediately.

Pirates of the caribbean

Enthusiasm for this series died 10 years ago, but we keep getting progressively worse additions to the Pirates franchise presumably because Johnny Depp feels more at home in pirate garb. The first Pirates of the Caribbean was great fun, so it’s understandable that it spawned a franchise. But the black spot on this series is that they just don’t know when to let go. Each new Jack Sparrow adventure keeps trying to wrap up the series just to have its perfectly tied bow unraveled in the next installment. Time to officially walk the plank, so our fond memories of the first film don’t completely wash away.

Resident evil

The sixth and supposedly final film of the Resident Evil series comes out this summer and … oh wait, apparently this movie has already been released? Didn’t even notice. Despite the first film receiving tepid reviews and barely earning its money back, Sony inexplicably picked this as their franchise pony. Let’s hope this really is the “Final Chapter” for this middling action series.

Die Hard

Bruce Willis’s foul-mouthed quips and steely glares aren’t enough to keep fans coming back for more John McClain. Not with reviews as harsh as the ones received by A Good Day to Die Hard anyway. In fact, the only two good films in the Die Hard series, 1 and 3, were both directed by recently paroled John McTiernan, which leads us to believe he’s as crucial to the success of the these movies as Bruce Willis. Maybe we’ll get interested in a new Die Hard if McTiernan gets behind the lens again.

Transformers

Vaunted for their earning power, the Transformers movies perpetuate racial stereotypes, juvenile humor and brainless plotlines. As long as these vapid, ostentatious mind-sucks continue to make money, complacent director Michael Bay won’t mind sticking with this asinine formula that extols flare over substance - which has set a bad precedent for movie studios’ willingness to churn out gratuitous and tactless films. Sure, it’s based off a toy franchise, but can’t these movies at least have a semblance of a brainstem? For dignity’s sake, let’s stop making these fatuous Transformers movies.

 
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Fast & Furious

After the explosively popular release of Fast Five, this franchise has actually been commended for its self-awareness as a mindless good time. Constantly upping the stakes with cartoonish action sequences involving tanks, submarines and wrecking balls, these movies feel more like a dare as to how ridiculous they can get. You know, the first film was lauded by young audiences because of the slick emersion into the world of street racing, but the studio seemed to think the heist plotline was what people gravitated to, and they’ve been going bigger and badder ever since. These movies are dumb fun, but let’s get out now while we still have some brain cells.

terminator

James Cameron had a crafty idea in the 1980s about an unstoppable hitman sent to destroy humanity’s hope for survival that both peaked and concluded with Terminator 2: Judgment Day. But, perhaps due to the original’s increasingly prophetic warnings about autonomous technology taking over our lives, movie studios feel it’s germane to pump out more Terminator movies. Whether they make sequels, prequels or reboots or whether they cast Schwarzenegger or Batman, this well has long been drained and the interest in this series has certifiably diminished. What was once a great idea now has become fatigued and officially needs to be terminated.

underworld

Look, they’ve squeezed a respectable amount of films out of a series that attracts crowds largely due to seeing Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight leather, but stick a stake in this franchise because it was practically dead on arrival. The first film was stylish but - like Resident Evil - had a minuscule following and nominal financial returns. Vampires are apparently only popular if teenage girls can get into them. 

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03 2017 THE RED BULLETIN

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