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WHICH SUPERHEROES ARE UNDATEABLE?

Words: Jason Wolf
Photography: Flickr/BAGOGAMES

Physically or emotionally, which heroes wouldn’t meet your friends’ approval?

Our favorite caped do-gooders have penchants for serving the people, but they’re not always equipped to handle matters of the heart. Despite the allure of dating a powerful superhero, sometimes their personalities or even their superpowers are portents of emotional and physical harm. Whether it be a distant, brooding personality or the deadly side effects of their mutations, it’d be well advised to swipe left on these superheroes.

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Batman

When Batman isn’t spending his nights battling murderous clowns and sexualized cat-women, you’d still be contending with his vicious personal demons. He’s got a rough exterior that coats an underbelly of sorrowful rage. If you want a superficial, emotionless relationship where you’re merely passing ships in a giant mansion, then Bruce Wayne might be your guy, but remember that he lives in Gotham City, which is a crime-ridden gangland.

the hulk

You know those hyper-intelligent people whose interests are so brainy and complex that you’ll feel intellectually outmatched in every conversation? Well, this guy could also pull you apart in your sleep. Don’t get him too excited or too upset or even make him laugh too hard. If his heart rate accelerates too much then you’re likely to get pummeled by his gargantuan green alter-ego. Plus, let’s not forget that awkward sex conversation Hulk had with Black Widow in the second Avengers movie where he implies the physics of sex with him are impossible.

Professor X

While some people may wish they had a lover who could read their minds, the reality of living with a telepath would be quite invasive. You can bite your tongue in an argument, but you can’t hide your twisted and spiteful thoughts. And while being a paraplegic hopefully isn’t excluding him from earning the affection of others, it is an additional hurdle with which one would have to be amenable.  

Rogue

You can’t touch her; she can’t touch you. How does that sound? Due to her disadvantageous ability of draining the life-force out of people simply by touching them, it’s safe to say this relationship would be devoid of any physical enticements one may be hoping for in a partnership. No touching!

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John Constantine

If Constantine isn’t chain-smoking or dishing out a scathingly condescending quip, he’s meddling in the affairs of demons and other nefarious hell spawns. His sarcastic sense of humor might not wear on you, but being perpetually haunted by assailants of the underworld just might. His whole life is essentially living inside a haunted house movie.

Daredevil

Matt Murdock’s blindness is far from an impediment, though the startlingly high body count of all his former girlfriends is surely eye-opening. The “Devil of Hell’s Kitchen” has had no less than five previous relationships prematurely end due to murder, suicide or hospitalization in an insane asylum. Perhaps you can break the curse of bad luck that weighs heavy on Daredevil’s dating history, but maybe it’s best to fix up your friend with him first to see if the streak is still alive.

The Thing

He’s a rock.

VISION

He’s a robot (not the fun kind).

Deadpool

Aside from his appearance, which was described as “a testicle with teeth,” Deadpool isn’t someone you’d want to bring home to Mom and Dad. A mercenary with few morals, he’s debauch, ultra-violent and often opts for gross-out humor. While everybody had a fun time watching the Deadpool movie, being barraged with fart jokes and severed limbs may not be the kind of thing you look for in a partner 24/7.

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04 2017 THE RED BULLETIN

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