sex, places to have sex

The 5 most difficult places to have sex

Words: Josh Rakic
Photography: YouTube/FiftyShades

While the bedroom is always the preferred destination, it’s not always the most convenient …

As if finding someone willing to rub bellies with you wasn’t already difficult enough, then there’s the location issue to execute the situation — my place, your place or this right here nightclub bathroom stall without a toilet seat?

Because while the bedroom is always the preferred destination, it’s not always the most convenient if you’re attempting to capitalize on the moment while that rare offer still stands. But if you thought the handicap bathroom stall was rough, then you won’t want to attempt the following. We asked the office via email, and here are the top five most difficult — not to be mistaken with most extreme — places to have sex.

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The Back Seat of a Compact Car 

There’s barely enough headroom and width in the front seat for two people, let alone a couple horizontal in a backseat that’s more of a shelf than seat per se. Worse yet, the back windows don’t come down, meaning no extra leverage with legs out the side. If circus clowns have taught us anything, it’s that weird things with multiple people can happen inside a beetle. But it’s hardly an easy task.

Ocean

If you thought getting lucky in a hottub or a pool was difficult, try getting physical in the ocean — with breaking waves, riptides, shifting sands and boardriders to deal with. Worse yet, it’s hardly inconspicuous when the water drains out to sea revealing you and your significant other in a WWE grapple devoid of leotards.

Airplane bathroom

The Mile High Club may be considered the ultimate in grappling adventures, but it’s more a mark of flexibility and perseverance than anything else. It’s hard enough to fit solo in even a business class bathroom, let alone coach. Then there’s the hygiene factor and lineup of those annoying cabin walkers constantly tapping on the door.

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Outer space

This one is a challenge that even Viagra can’t overcome. Of course, there’s the whole gravity situation to deal with, but turns out it’s near impossible to get a boner in space — because of said gravity affecting blood flow. Then, if you’re lucky enough to somehow find yourself aroused, plus a fellow staffer who’s consenting, there’s Newton’s 3 Laws of Motion and the constant, rapid motion and friction required that simply doesn’t exist.

Spinning tea cup ride

Having “relations” in its traditional form is impossible on a roller coaster, but there are other methods that work if Reese Witherspoon’s 1996 film Fear is to be believed. But even the digital method is impossible on what would be considered the most tame of all themepark rides — the spinning tea cups. There’s the dizziness, the speed and then the centrifugal forces that render your hands all but tied as you’re whipped around in a blur of vomit-inducing colors and screams.

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04 2017 THE RED BULLETIN

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