5 Sports for the Lethargic Gentleman
Becoming a professional athlete - is it really worth it? Let’s for a minute assume you’re one of the few born with a killer rig and blessed with natural talent, there’s still the physical exertion, radical diets and daily fitspiration posts on Insta to keep up with. And even then, you’ve got more chance being flattened by a vending machine than reaching the top echelon of most sports. (Though, ironically, dodging falling vending machines is now a game show in Japan). As for those of us setting ascending personal bests on the scales daily, is any dream really worth training eight hours a day, six days a week for? If you answered “no”, prepare to get mildly excited. Because we’ve compiled a list of action and Olympic sports perfect for you.
It’s cool as hell and takes more trust and dedication than a good relationship, but being fit isn’t a requirement. In fact, multiple world record-holder Jonny Durand says training is as easy as eating a piece of cake - literally. “Honestly, I only started running training last year because of the Wings for Life World Run. But soon as that’s done, you’ll find my running shoes in the trash. Flying’s all about upper body strength and balance and the best way to train for it is to actually fly. It’s the proven best way to build and maintain the muscles you need.” Better yet, weight is an advantage. It allows one to control bigger kites.
As the classic saying goes, you can take the darts out of the bar but you can’t take the bar out of darts. So while smoking during professional competition is now frowned upon, a few beers are still well within the rules - pre-game of course. No drug or alcohol tests here. No sex or drinking bans during training. In fact, both are encouraged. And there’s big prize money on offer nowadays. Show us one person who doesn’t play pool or darts better after a couple drinks and we’ll show you a liar.
It’s a pretty simple equation - let the horse do the work for you. Your ancestors did. Prior to the invention of the combustion engine, horses carried out the majority of transport labor. These days however, they’re all class. And you could be, too, simply by learning how to pull a few ropes while in the comfort of a heavily padded saddle. Learn to throw a polo stick around and you’re basically royalty waiting to be crowned. Plus, riding pants are quite flattering - they’re the original Spanx.
An Olympic sport since way back in the 1930s, we toed and froed over including this game of hardened warriors on the list. Afterall, there’s a lot of standing involved. However, having partaken in a match ourselves, we quickly discovered that a rest between each of your four bowls is part and parcel of the game. And walking sticks are allowed for the mobile leaner. With its dominant athletes more Bernie Sanders than Bernard Hopkins, there’s always a need for new players. And if you’ve got one good knee, at least two fingers and a thumb, you’re half a chance of getting a start in the big leagues.
If ever there’s a been a sport more about perception than power it’s rowing - well, to be specific, the coxswain position. In case you’re unfamiliar, this is the person who sits at the stern of a rowing boat yelling orders at the four people paddling. It’s the open air equivalent of yelling at the television screen during Super Bowl, only you’re the quarterback. And you’re sitting!